A Trip to the Mountains

One of my favorite parts about the area I live is how close we are to the Appalachian Mountains.  I think they are such a beautiful backdrop to my new life here.  I love the way their silhouette stands in the background of my view at home.  I guess I just find them to be peaceful, sturdy figures in my sight.  Something certain in a life that hasn't always been very consistent or safe.  And above all else, a slow drive along the winding roads and a light hike along the quiet trails is very peaceful, a chance to dwell on the sights and sounds of nature while modern life slips to the back of my mind for a short while.

Today, J-E and I finally found enough time in our schedules to make a trip together on a scenic drive through a national park nearby my new hometown.  Fall has only just reached the air around us, that crisp feeling just barely touching nature as the season sets in slowly.  The leaves haven't really begun to change color yet, so future trips along the scenic drive will be more colorful, but I think this area is so beautiful and appealing, with something new to experience with each season of the year.  It is definitely somewhere I could revisit frequently throughout the coming months before it ever began to feel 'same.'

Here are our pictures from today ::
[I can hardly wait for the leaves to change color so I can share photos of that!  It's exciting to finally live in an area that actually has four distinct seasons, after spending most of my life in the South.]

The scenic photos I'm sharing today were taken from overlooks alongside the drive.

I've always loved the way distant mountains create shadowy, bluish-grey silhouettes.

J-E and I were walking alongside each other on a skinny trail when I noticed mid-step that we were both about to step right on top of this copperhead!  I shouted his name and we both jumped away from the snake, me going back and him going ahead along the trail which left us with the dilemma of moving the snake off the trail so I could pass.

So of course, J-E did the he-man thing and grabbed a stick to play snake-handler for some very tense moments.  What a Billy-Badass.  ; P

We saw two of these fuzzy, white caterpillars.  I have no idea yet what they turn into, but they're the neatest caterpillars I've ever seen!

More shots from overlooks along the way back out of the park.


Although I've visited the Blue Ridge Mountains in other states before, I never thought I'd have the Appalachian Trail practically in my own backyard!  I hope my father can visit me here someday, because I know he would really love to hike a chunk of the Appalachian Trail!  Hiking the entire Appalachian Trail is probably the number one item I've heard him cite from his bucket list.  On the way out, J-E and I stopped by a small mountainside store to buy 3 jars of raw honey for my honey-loving brother who really helped me out a few weeks ago.  It won't come close to repaying my debt to him, but I think it's a decent gesture of appreciation.  J-E and I decided we'll just have to keep my brother supplied with a lifetime supply of rare and curious honey finds in an effort to repay him for his generosity.  ; )  There was also a quilt store that we passed but didn't stop by for a look around that I would love to take my mother to!

Today unexpectedly found me missing my family!  I haven't lived nearer than a day's drive apart from my parents in 5-1/2 years now.  The distance isn't always easy, but my life has been an adventure since I've had the opportunity to live in so many different places around the country.  As unexpected as anything, I find myself believing more and more each day that where I am now will be my home forever.  I never thought I'd end up running away to hide in the boonies with nothing but a bag of clothes and a young daughter in tow, falling in love with a man who works with horses for a living.  I could go on for hours about how much I love this man based solely on two things : the way he has with animals, and the fact that he took my daughter in as his own.  I didn't expect my life to turn out anything like it has, but I'm thankful every day that my life now is nothing like it was a year ago.  =)

A Friend In Need

It's a wonderful feeling to have someone stand up for you. It's something I haven't experienced very often in my life. When I think back on it, I can only really remember one specific time that someone stood up for me until this year. During my freshman year of high school, my gym teacher was being a real asshole to me. One day, he and my classmates upset me so much that I had to go home from school. My father called my gym teacher that afternoon and gave him a real earful for how he was treating me, and basically told the man that he would lose his job at the school if he messed with me again. Other than that, I don't remember people standing up for me when I was mercilessly teased and treated like crap at school over the years. You'd better believe I stood up for other kids I went to school with, though! I was painfully unpopular, and I would always extend my friendship to other students who were outcast much like myself. By the time I was a senior, a lot of students in my grade had matured enough to leave me alone, but I was often asked why I was friends with such "losers." It really hurt me to see other kids go through what I had experienced, and I would always tell people who asked that they were assholes for treating the outcast kids so unfairly. Sometimes you find that the people who've been treated the worst are the most likely and willing to treat you with kindness when you're one of the few people in their lives who treat them with dignity.

Sometimes good people end up in bad situations. Sadly, I am one of those people who ended up in a really nasty situation because I was too kind and trusting. I gave my cretin of an ex far too many chances, forgave him way too many times. There were a few times that I asked people for help when he was hurting me. I have watched as people stare right through me, looking me right in the eye, only to turn their backs and walk away, refusing to call the police. There were times that I begged people to make him stop hurting me, and they simply looked the other way. I understand sometimes people don't want to get involved, but to leave a defenseless woman at her husband's mercy while he chokes the life out of her and drags her around by her hair is just deplorable. It sickens me to know that people can turn the other cheek on behavior like that. Nobody ever stood up for me. I was trapped in an abusive marriage for years, and there were plenty of people who witnessed the abuse, but nobody ever told him to stop. I lost so much faith in the goodwill of humankind because of this. But honestly, I suppose one could chalk that up to the loss of naivety. What happened to me during that marriage was terrible and painful, and I wish I could erase it. But at the same time, in spite of the horribleness of it all, I suppose I have to admit that I have grown because of it. Grown wise from it, that is. What a shitty way to learn a lesson like that...

Since meeting J-E, I have begun to experience something very foreign to me. He stands up for me. He not only stands up for me; I've seen him stand up for my daughter, his best friend, and plenty of other people in our lives. J-E has called my ex on being a complete shitbag a few times now. He's stood up for me, telling my ex how disgusting his behavior was. He stands up for my daughter, too. My ex is allowed to call her on the phone once a night, and at times J-E has had to call him out for being such a deadbeat piece of worthless crap because he doesn't call her every day like he is supposed to and he'll just hang up on her when he wants to if she doesn't say the things he wants to hear. It means a lot to me that J-E stands up for us. After all the years my daughter and I spent isolated with nobody to help us, it's an awesome feeling to have someone around who's got your back.

Last night, J-E's best friend called him up and told him that he'd spoken with someone in customer service at a store, and that they'd been really rude to him and then hung up on him. J-E called the store himself, spoke with the same lady on the phone, and after she was equally rude to him and hung up on him also, he called back and gave her a nice earful for being so rude. ;) Granted, it was behavior just shy of crank calling, but it was hilarious and a little heartwarming in a twisted way at the same time. =P J-E has always stood up for this friend of his, and I find it to be one of his most admirable traits.

Along the same lines as last night...I got a "wrong number" phone call this afternoon. After telling the person they had the wrong number, a few minutes passed and a voicemail showed up on my phone. This creep had called back to say that I "sounded cute" over the phone and that if I didn't have a boyfriend he "hoped I would call him back and maybe we could meet up or something." UGH! Soooo my wonderful knight in shining armor called this perv back up on the phone. What an earful this guy got from J-E!

Today, I just keep thinking about how nice it is to have someone stand up for me after all these years! =) Has anyone ever stood up for you? Have you ever stood up for someone else?

Jurisdiction Nonsense Hearing

I got a short e-mail from my lawyer today.  Apparently there is going to be a hearing on August 8th regarding custody jurisdiction.  Personally, I find it a bit ridiculous.  My ex needs to just drop things and go find something less annoying to do with his time and money.  He has NO visitation with my daughter for the year thanks to my protective order against him.  He is so stupid that he thinks fighting over custody is somehow going to win him visitation any time soon.  It's totally not going to happen!  And even when the protective order ends, I am going to do everything in my power to RENEW it.  If I can, I'd like to make the protective order PERMANENT.  He permanently ruined my life, and I'd like to permanently have zero contact with the loser.  He will be lucky to have ANY amount of supervised visitation next year.  You don't just go around hacking your wife's body open with a freaking machete in front of your 3-year-old daughter and expect to have visitation like nothing ever happened. 

I wish the piece of trash would just forfeit his parental rights.  J-E is a better father to my daughter than the sperm donor could ever DREAM of being.

What-the-eff-ever.  I am going to live my life now.  Nobody owns me anymore, and captain asshat will NEVER have any control over my life again. 

 

Anyway, I am going to be late for work if I sit here and write anything else. 

It's interesting how much suppressed anger built up during the 9 years that asshole controlled me.  Sometimes it's scary to feel that fury swell inside my chest. 

Forget-Me-Not

J-E has been growing these forget-me-nots for me.  ♥  He has such a green thumb!  He always has plants and flowers growing everywhere.  =)

Lately I have been wondering, is it possible to deliberately forget someone or something that happened to you?  I am constantly being told that my past is what makes me who I am today, and to lose it would be to lose a big part of what makes me, me.  However, if I could just forget some of my past, I think it would be for the better.  To simply forget would mean I could just erase my complexes and anxieties in the snap of a finger.  If it had never happened to me, I would never have needed to rise above it, and I would not bear the scars of my past that weigh so heavily on my heart.  I just want to feel normal again, whatever normal is.

There are so many things I would like to remember instead.  Like all the days and nights I spent raising my daughter ALONE.  What I would give to replace all my memories with that solitude!  Just to have an empty space in my memories instead of so much fear and pain.  The idea occurred to me when J-E asked if he could love me today, tomorrow, next week, next month, etc.  And then he asked if he could love me yesterday, and 10 years ago.  So of course I told him yes, and then a smile crept across my face.  What I would give to replace my memories with dreams of what he and I would have done together all those years ago!

Reminds me of Shakespeare...





I know I can't erase my past...  No matter how much I wish for it, I will never be able to forget.  But, a girl can dream!!

People-Pleaser

Well, since Xanga has decided to tank, I'm going to give Blogger a try.  I don't know if I will find another blog site that I like as much as I liked Xanga, but I'm going to shop around for awhile before giving up on blogging entirely.  Blogging has been a part of my life since I was 14!  I was on Xanga since I was 19, with my longest-running blog up for around 5 years there before I moved on to my Ackerleigh@Xanga blog. 

I'm definitely not ready to let go of blogging.  I've kept diaries and journals all my life, eventually feeding into blogging as a teen like I mentioned above.  At this point in my life, I badly need somewhere to write out my thoughts.  There is a lot going on in my life, and there are a lot of things I appreciate a little input on here and there.  I think to be honest with myself, I have to admit that I like to share my life with others, and to be even more honest with myself, I have to admit that I am constantly seeking others' approval. 

There are a lot of things in my current life that I know many don't approve of, however, and I am learning to seek my own happiness while trying to let go of my innate need for approval.  I feel like this year is a rebirth for me.  In a way, I guess you could say that my world [as I knew it, at least] really did end on 12/21/2012.  ;)  I met J-E in person for the first time on 12/24/2012.  He bought me a plane ticket, and I took the flight.  It is probably the most impulsive, careless, poorly-thought-out thing I have ever done, but it is also the single greatest leap of faith I am happiest about ever taking! 

I positively adore J-E.  It's something in the way his eyes get this sparkle to them when he smiles at me and tells me he loves me.  Nobody has ever made me feel so loved in all my life.  In fact, I've never really felt very loved at all before I met J-E.  I don't think I've ever been one of the happiest people around.  I've always come across as optimistic and cheery, but deep down, there has always been a hollow darkness.  The emptiness comes and goes, but being held, being loved, being appreciated helps. 

J-E saved my life, and I will always love him.  So much for blogging about the travesty of the end of Xanga.  LOL