"We Can't Be Friends"

Why won't people give up on me?  Why won't people leave me alone when I ask them to go away?  I was in a court room with my ex recently.  I didn't look at him; I stared straight at the judge the entire time trying to breathe, but I could see him in my peripheral vision no matter how much I tried to tunnel my vision.  It sucks trying to focus on court matters when someone you are deathly afraid of is sitting a few feet away from you just staring you down.  My boyfriend said he was giving me the Zoolander face the entire time, just literally begging me to take him back with his eyes.

What a fucking joke.

I hope it hurt the bastard's feelings that I wouldn't even give him the pleasure of making eye contact.  I fucking hate him and I hope he is as unhappy now as he made me feel for years.

J-E and I were talking about why he locked me up and fucked with me for so long, and I guess he was like a little boy with an ant farm and a magnifying glass.  Why are some people so fixated on beautiful things that they have to tear them to bits and destroy everything good in them?  I was the best thing he will ever have his hands on, but instead of worshiping me, he didn't want anyone else to see me, and he had this disgusting, sadistic urge to destroy everything good in me.  It's so creepy.  So bone-chillingly creeeeepy to think back to what he was doing to me and my daughter.  It was like, I don't even know how to describe it, but it was almost as if he was so afraid that he would lose us, because he knew we were way too good for him, that he had to lock us away in fear that we might somehow escape.  It's almost not even human, almost like some sort of sick, primal behavior.

What the fuck is wrong with people?

Forever, I will be unable to trust anyone again.

I wish I could build a floating island and just never set foot on the face of Earth again.  It would be nice to just float above where nobody could reach me, somewhere peaceful and safe.  I always used to wish I could just grow a set of wings and fly far away from my old life.  I didn't exactly grow wings, but I certainly flew away to a new life.  Now I've realized that no matter how far you run away, your troubles are going to follow you everywhere.  Being a grown up fucking sucks...

Pretty Lame

I guess everything is pretty lame lately.  I'm so jaded with my job and court dates and the all-encompassing bullshit I deal with on a daily basis.  A lot of the aspects of my PTSD feel better, but I know it's just a fake-out.  And when I say "feel better," I mean that I don't have a massive panic attack every time I see "his" vehicle tailing me on the road, that I don't think I'm having as many nightmares as before [maybe once a week instead of every night], that I can go to work without seeing "his" shadow out of the corner of my eye multiple times every night.....  I still have a lot of pain in my throat where his thumb would dig in while he choked me out, and the pain often radiates all the way up my jaw and into my ear.  It sucks.  I wish I could just erase my past now that I've started over on a clean slate in a new place.  I'm so sick of people telling me that my past is what makes me who I am today.  I don't like the person my past created, and I think that whole past-makes-you-who-you-are lump is a load of shit.  I don't care if I wouldn't be who I am today if I hadn't been through what he put me through.  I don't want that crap in my history!  I wish I had just met J-E when I was young and innocent, naive...and when I still had a happy heart.

No matter how far away I run, no matter how long I hide, I will never escape memory.  It's been 14 months.  I've replaced my past with a new present.  Everything in my life is new besides my blood relatives and a few pieces of clothing.  I hate pretty much everyone because nobody will shut the fuck up with their stupid opinions; nobody will quit with their annoying ass suggestions; nobody will fucking stop bothering me.  "They all want to make sure I'm okay."  I just want them to shut the hell up...  I'm not going to be okay.  I was brutally abused in every way imaginable for nearly a decade.  I think it's safe to say, my head is fucked for life.  Most days, I just want to be alone...

But then there is always J-E.  He's always there for me with open arms and a warm heart.  I think he's been through enough of his own bullshit in his own life to understand me.  Miraculously, he has enough patience to put up with me through all my shit.  I never believed I could find anybody like him, but I have.  =)

And yep, that's my pretty lame post after ages of not caring to have anything to say on here.  I've been too busy with work and matters of the heart to bother with keyboards and other junk.