I remember the numb, empty feelings that overpowered me during those first few months after I left him. I was so afraid, and I still found myself living in that auto-pilot mode your mind sets itself to in order to survive. The more shut-off you are to reality, the easier it is to keep breathing when things are unbearable. I was terrified. I thought they would take away my child because I had no means to support and care for her myself. Thank goodness for the Safe group I found my way to, because they found me all the resources and support I needed. I credit them in great part to enabling me to lift myself and my daughter from the ashes of our past life of abuse. Without them, so many of my questions would have gone unanswered, so many of our needs would have gone un-met. They supported us, fed us, gave us a safe home to stay in. I am eternally grateful for their generosity and kindness.
I spent the first three months of the year in a battered women's shelter with my daughter. It was just the sobering experience I needed to keep myself grounded when all I wanted to do was shout and dance and leap for joy because I was finally FREE. After all those years of suffocating abuse, I finally had the opportunity to make my own decisions, choose my own fate, and do what I wanted to do. My abusive ex husband took so much from me. This year has been all about winning my Self back.
I visited our new home-state last year in December. And while I was here, desperately seeking an escape, peace and freedom, I couldn't help but fall in love. Oh, how refreshing and heartwarming it is to find new love! I loved the snow, the chill in the air, the magic of seeing horses everywhere I looked, the beautiful mountains that created the gorgeous backdrop I enjoyed every day at sunset. And most of all, I found myself loving him. J-E. My knight in shining armor and not a link of chain-mail less!
January through the end of March, my daughter and I spent in the battered women's shelter. I filed for a protective order against my husband. He attempted to retaliate by filing for divorce, but that just did me a favor [he can have fun paying those court fees himself]. Protective order in hand, my daughter and I fled the state on April Fool's Day. Nice prank, huh? =] And so began my journey to get my shit together! I found a job, bought my own car, and began creating a home for us. Spring definitely represented a new beginning for me this year. I spent the Summer coasting along, trying to avoid my past and just live each day as it came.
As Fall crept up on us, there was a court hearing in which the judge allowed me to have all permanent custody decisions removed from the state my ex husband filed divorce in. This gave me the freedom to file for custody in our new state, which eliminated a lot of traveling on my part, and protected me from any allegations of being in contempt of court for leaving a state during divorce proceedings before custody was determined. I also enrolled my daughter in school, something she has immensely enjoyed. She is learning so much! She is reading a surprisingly large amount of words, and I couldn't be more proud. Her favorite hobby is anything art-related. She could sit down and color or paint for an entire day without budging from her seat.
I frequently struggle with my past. You certainly don't forget about 10 years of abuse and move on overnight simply because you move a thousand miles or so away. It's the type of thing where, if I ignore it, it only gets worse, and if I pay it too much attention, it swallows me whole. There have been days where I was so listless and depressed that I would just sit still, silently, as the hours passed, not saying a word and often bursting into tears when spoken to. It's tough. I went through a lot, and I have been unable to process a lot of it. My fears and complexes frequently interfere with my daily life, my relationships and my mood. I can't trust anyone anymore. I have often related myself to a head-shy stray. I don't think anything else could describe me more accurately. I'm jumpy, distrustful, and I've found that sometimes I bite back before thinking. I am on constant alert trying to protect myself, even when there are many times that there is no reason for me to be so protective of myself.
This December, I made a very difficult decision that I wasn't planning on making at all. I decided to stand up for myself to someone who had been calling herself my best friend for years. I wish she and I could remain friends, because we have so much history together! Unfortunately, everything is always all about her. In my biggest year of need, her heart and interest were nowhere to be found. I suppose these things happen to adults all the time. We grow up, forget our childish joy in friendship, and find ourselves too busy with our own families to think about anyone else. I realize that my friend has been going through a difficult time as well since her child was born with an obscure disorder, but that does not excuse her from the fact that friends are supposed to listen to each other and not just talk about themselves. All I asked for was a little empathy, maybe some sympathy here or there, and most importantly, an open ear. All I was getting was ignored. Literally every time the subject would fall on myself or my troubles, my friend would randomly return the subject to herself.
The other night, I expressed my fears and anxieties about having court the next day. I sent my friend TWO messages in a row about this, and she replied something entirely unrelated and all about herself! It is so typical of her, and I had just had it with her for doing that all the time! The next day, she didn't have anything to say to me although any other day she will start texting me at dawn. Later in the day, a new friend of mine texted to check in on me, so I sent a subtle reminder to my old friend, mentioning how sweet I thought it was that someone who barely knew me had remembered me on a day she knew would be stressful. Old friend texts back about her son. WTF... At that point, I was absolutely at wits end with her bullshit. So, I told her how I feel about the way she treats me.
Here are the messages ::
Me to Her : I guess you forgot, but don't sweat it I guess. It's not like I don't know you have all your own worries to deal with too. This is just where life leads us sometimes... Too worried about your own problems to take one minute to read what I have to say when I need your support. I do what I can to support you when you tell me you're dealing with things, and I do my best to keep up with what you're going through. But when I try to talk about things that are worrying me or that I'm upset about, you so frequently entirely ignore me and text me back with something about yourself. Last night I sent you two texts in a row about how worried I was to be doing what I had to do today, and what do you say back? You change the subject, something you have done so often recently. I see where your interests lie - yourself. I realize that I have a whole slew of shit in my life that I keep bringing up, and maybe you're sick of hearing about it, fine, but you call us best friends. When I need you, you turn the subject to yourself. Your narcissism has effectively destroyed our friendship. I don't even look forward to talking to you anymore because I know that no matter what I am going through or what I try to share with you, you are going to turn the subject back on yourself. Call me an asshole if that makes you feel better, tell me that I'm just as self-centered as I am calling you, do what you have to, but just know that my problems are just as big as yours. I am struggling, and this has been the worst year of my entire life. When you fret over [your daughter]'s condition, I do everything I can to let you know it deeply saddens me and that I hope the best for her. When I share my worries, you just ignore me. I need someone I can talk to, someone who will help me work through my troubles and make me feel a little bit of love in this cruel world. I don't need one more person in my life belittling me, ignoring me and minimizing my emotions, acting like I do not matter...
Her to Me : What the hell? The last msg i have is me asking how court went/was going and that i hoped the best in finding a solid friendship in your new hometown. And sometimes, i just dont know wtf to say. Im mad i didnt go get you all those years ago and im mad all those times I told you to leave him and you ignored me and made excuses amd then now you praise the hell out of [J-E] for suggesting it, like no one else had ever said anything. I hate how much you hurt and i hate all you are having to go thru. It makes me sick to my stomach. But the worst is i cant do shit to help or make it better. So i say nothing so i can calm down and then i change the subject. Im really sorry.
<<Bullshit. The last message she sent asked how my day had gone, not a word about me going to court, and certainly no words of encouragement knowing where I would be that day.>>
Me to Her : 1-No, after the 2 texts I sent yesterday around 5pm, you replied that you were considering getting a job again. What part of that is not changing the subject to yourself? So go re-read your text messages and reconsider what you are saying because I have the same texts on my phone. And all your text said today was "How are things going today???" Not a word about court or my concerns about going there today. And then, you immediately changed the subject to [your son] in the same message. I never TOLD you about being abused because I was ASHAMED and TERRIFIED that he would murder me for telling. And when I finally did tell you, you acted like it was hard to believe simply because I had never mustered up the courage to tell you before. For all I know you were offended that I told [J-E] first and not you. And when I decided to move and try to be happy, you essentially told me I was in the wrong for that because "it would be unfair to other people who didn't know why my marriage ended," and that I somehow owed it to everyone else to give them time to accept the failure of MY marriage. I'm pretty sure it was at that point that our friendship was over. The last year has just been dragging it out unnecessarily because I was clinging to the idea that you might actually care about me. It is clearer to me with each passing day that nobody is capable of actually loving me, so I'll just stick it out on my own from now on.
2-I hate to say all this, really I do. It fucking sucks. After my divorce, and aside from my parents, you are the only person from my past who I maintained contact with. I am just too hurt from feeling unwanted and feeling like it is all too clear that you don't actually give a fuck about me. I can't even talk to you anymore without getting pissed off about you changing the subject on me. I cannot count the number of times I have gotten upset by your texts and thrown my phone across the room, unable to look at it again for hours on end. I have too much hurt in my life to spend every day dealing with feeling like even my best friend doesn't care about me. At least in solitude I can go numb to all the bullshit in my pathetic fucking life.
And since those texts were exchanged, she hasn't had another word to say to me. That's what I expected. It hurts. It fucking hurts like hell knowing that I didn't mean anything to the girl I poured my heart out to for something like 14 years. I didn't expect sympathy from her. I knew she was incapable of understanding what I had gone through and why I am hurting so much. I just wanted a little empathy, something you should expect from any true friend, and an open ear rather than a cold shoulder to anything I wanted or needed to talk about. But, that is the way of the world. Some days, I feel like nobody could understand me, but J-E reminds me from time to time in his own little ways that he does. J-E and I are definitely kindred spirits, but in an opposites attract sort of way. He tells me all the time that I don't have to worry about being so hard and tough and that I don't have to be so worried about protecting myself all the time because he will protect me. I have the hardest time believing anything that anyone says to me. I lost all faith in mankind when my husband spent a decade abusing me. If you can't trust the one person who is supposed to protect you above all others, you can't trust anyone. I'm afraid that is a belief I'll never shake. It's unfortunate, but naivety won't get you anywhere.
As this year draws to a close, I find myself in higher spirits. I have more happy days than before, and I have a little faith that I might make it someday. When my journey began, a little over a year ago, I had no idea what things were going to look like in 3, 6, 12 months. Now I am beginning to see that I have some small sense of control over my own life now. And I like where it is going. J-E and I have had many ups and downs in our first year "together." I don't think it could feasibly be an easy task getting along with a terrified and clueless victim. Hah! But he has held my hand and been there for every court date, every appointment, every time I've needed him, he's been there for me. He's a good man for sticking through this year with me, and I know that we have many happy years ahead of us as my life begins to truly settle down to some sense of normalcy.
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Here is the original image, from "Valentine and Orson" by Florence Mary Anderson.
