Jurisdiction Nonsense Hearing

I got a short e-mail from my lawyer today.  Apparently there is going to be a hearing on August 8th regarding custody jurisdiction.  Personally, I find it a bit ridiculous.  My ex needs to just drop things and go find something less annoying to do with his time and money.  He has NO visitation with my daughter for the year thanks to my protective order against him.  He is so stupid that he thinks fighting over custody is somehow going to win him visitation any time soon.  It's totally not going to happen!  And even when the protective order ends, I am going to do everything in my power to RENEW it.  If I can, I'd like to make the protective order PERMANENT.  He permanently ruined my life, and I'd like to permanently have zero contact with the loser.  He will be lucky to have ANY amount of supervised visitation next year.  You don't just go around hacking your wife's body open with a freaking machete in front of your 3-year-old daughter and expect to have visitation like nothing ever happened. 

I wish the piece of trash would just forfeit his parental rights.  J-E is a better father to my daughter than the sperm donor could ever DREAM of being.

What-the-eff-ever.  I am going to live my life now.  Nobody owns me anymore, and captain asshat will NEVER have any control over my life again. 

 

Anyway, I am going to be late for work if I sit here and write anything else. 

It's interesting how much suppressed anger built up during the 9 years that asshole controlled me.  Sometimes it's scary to feel that fury swell inside my chest. 

Forget-Me-Not

J-E has been growing these forget-me-nots for me.  ♥  He has such a green thumb!  He always has plants and flowers growing everywhere.  =)

Lately I have been wondering, is it possible to deliberately forget someone or something that happened to you?  I am constantly being told that my past is what makes me who I am today, and to lose it would be to lose a big part of what makes me, me.  However, if I could just forget some of my past, I think it would be for the better.  To simply forget would mean I could just erase my complexes and anxieties in the snap of a finger.  If it had never happened to me, I would never have needed to rise above it, and I would not bear the scars of my past that weigh so heavily on my heart.  I just want to feel normal again, whatever normal is.

There are so many things I would like to remember instead.  Like all the days and nights I spent raising my daughter ALONE.  What I would give to replace all my memories with that solitude!  Just to have an empty space in my memories instead of so much fear and pain.  The idea occurred to me when J-E asked if he could love me today, tomorrow, next week, next month, etc.  And then he asked if he could love me yesterday, and 10 years ago.  So of course I told him yes, and then a smile crept across my face.  What I would give to replace my memories with dreams of what he and I would have done together all those years ago!

Reminds me of Shakespeare...





I know I can't erase my past...  No matter how much I wish for it, I will never be able to forget.  But, a girl can dream!!

People-Pleaser

Well, since Xanga has decided to tank, I'm going to give Blogger a try.  I don't know if I will find another blog site that I like as much as I liked Xanga, but I'm going to shop around for awhile before giving up on blogging entirely.  Blogging has been a part of my life since I was 14!  I was on Xanga since I was 19, with my longest-running blog up for around 5 years there before I moved on to my Ackerleigh@Xanga blog. 

I'm definitely not ready to let go of blogging.  I've kept diaries and journals all my life, eventually feeding into blogging as a teen like I mentioned above.  At this point in my life, I badly need somewhere to write out my thoughts.  There is a lot going on in my life, and there are a lot of things I appreciate a little input on here and there.  I think to be honest with myself, I have to admit that I like to share my life with others, and to be even more honest with myself, I have to admit that I am constantly seeking others' approval. 

There are a lot of things in my current life that I know many don't approve of, however, and I am learning to seek my own happiness while trying to let go of my innate need for approval.  I feel like this year is a rebirth for me.  In a way, I guess you could say that my world [as I knew it, at least] really did end on 12/21/2012.  ;)  I met J-E in person for the first time on 12/24/2012.  He bought me a plane ticket, and I took the flight.  It is probably the most impulsive, careless, poorly-thought-out thing I have ever done, but it is also the single greatest leap of faith I am happiest about ever taking! 

I positively adore J-E.  It's something in the way his eyes get this sparkle to them when he smiles at me and tells me he loves me.  Nobody has ever made me feel so loved in all my life.  In fact, I've never really felt very loved at all before I met J-E.  I don't think I've ever been one of the happiest people around.  I've always come across as optimistic and cheery, but deep down, there has always been a hollow darkness.  The emptiness comes and goes, but being held, being loved, being appreciated helps. 

J-E saved my life, and I will always love him.  So much for blogging about the travesty of the end of Xanga.  LOL