The snow outside is falling so quietly, melting like tears as it hits the ground. It's going to take awhile, but the other 18 inches or so will melt in time, too. Everything builds up to be so beautiful, and then it all just melts away...
I have the strangest dreams... Last night, I dreamed that something was living in the vents. J-E wouldn't let me look at it, but he told me it wasn't so bad. "We already drank its blood, remember," he said. I felt sick to my stomach. What was it? I tried to peer into the vents for a look, but J-E held me back. I think I saw an eye looking back at me through the slits.
I feel so infected, like something is infesting my brain, taking over, and eating me alive. I just want to tear myself to pieces, searching for it, so I can get this sickness out of me. Every day, I find myself saying and doing things that I don't want to be saying or doing. It just comes right out of me on its own, and because of it, I'm essentially destroying my own life. I'm so angry that my anger has actually taken on a personality of its own. Sometimes I feel so schizophrenic.
A lot of people like to say that if you worry about being crazy, you're obviously not. The reasoning must be that you have enough sanity to fear that loss of control. They're wrong. There are plenty of people in this world who are positively insane and quite sure of it.
Sometimes I think I'm just lost in some sort of fantasy, caught up in my mind and lost in some sort of dream. I've spent my entire life trying to get away from this feeling, because it absolutely kills me, but I've never been able to find an effective method of staying centered without masochism.
That's why I feel like I'm losing it. I feel like half of me is subconsciously hell-bent on destroying my life, while the conscious part of me is left reeling without a clue as to how to stop everything from burning to the ground. Any normal person would be self-aware enough to stop themselves from acting like a complete fuck.
If nothing else, the catastrophic images in my head are driving me over the edge. I think I've reached my breaking point.
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