"We Can't Be Friends"

Why won't people give up on me?  Why won't people leave me alone when I ask them to go away?  I was in a court room with my ex recently.  I didn't look at him; I stared straight at the judge the entire time trying to breathe, but I could see him in my peripheral vision no matter how much I tried to tunnel my vision.  It sucks trying to focus on court matters when someone you are deathly afraid of is sitting a few feet away from you just staring you down.  My boyfriend said he was giving me the Zoolander face the entire time, just literally begging me to take him back with his eyes.

What a fucking joke.

I hope it hurt the bastard's feelings that I wouldn't even give him the pleasure of making eye contact.  I fucking hate him and I hope he is as unhappy now as he made me feel for years.

J-E and I were talking about why he locked me up and fucked with me for so long, and I guess he was like a little boy with an ant farm and a magnifying glass.  Why are some people so fixated on beautiful things that they have to tear them to bits and destroy everything good in them?  I was the best thing he will ever have his hands on, but instead of worshiping me, he didn't want anyone else to see me, and he had this disgusting, sadistic urge to destroy everything good in me.  It's so creepy.  So bone-chillingly creeeeepy to think back to what he was doing to me and my daughter.  It was like, I don't even know how to describe it, but it was almost as if he was so afraid that he would lose us, because he knew we were way too good for him, that he had to lock us away in fear that we might somehow escape.  It's almost not even human, almost like some sort of sick, primal behavior.

What the fuck is wrong with people?

Forever, I will be unable to trust anyone again.

I wish I could build a floating island and just never set foot on the face of Earth again.  It would be nice to just float above where nobody could reach me, somewhere peaceful and safe.  I always used to wish I could just grow a set of wings and fly far away from my old life.  I didn't exactly grow wings, but I certainly flew away to a new life.  Now I've realized that no matter how far you run away, your troubles are going to follow you everywhere.  Being a grown up fucking sucks...