Pretty Lame

I guess everything is pretty lame lately.  I'm so jaded with my job and court dates and the all-encompassing bullshit I deal with on a daily basis.  A lot of the aspects of my PTSD feel better, but I know it's just a fake-out.  And when I say "feel better," I mean that I don't have a massive panic attack every time I see "his" vehicle tailing me on the road, that I don't think I'm having as many nightmares as before [maybe once a week instead of every night], that I can go to work without seeing "his" shadow out of the corner of my eye multiple times every night.....  I still have a lot of pain in my throat where his thumb would dig in while he choked me out, and the pain often radiates all the way up my jaw and into my ear.  It sucks.  I wish I could just erase my past now that I've started over on a clean slate in a new place.  I'm so sick of people telling me that my past is what makes me who I am today.  I don't like the person my past created, and I think that whole past-makes-you-who-you-are lump is a load of shit.  I don't care if I wouldn't be who I am today if I hadn't been through what he put me through.  I don't want that crap in my history!  I wish I had just met J-E when I was young and innocent, naive...and when I still had a happy heart.

No matter how far away I run, no matter how long I hide, I will never escape memory.  It's been 14 months.  I've replaced my past with a new present.  Everything in my life is new besides my blood relatives and a few pieces of clothing.  I hate pretty much everyone because nobody will shut the fuck up with their stupid opinions; nobody will quit with their annoying ass suggestions; nobody will fucking stop bothering me.  "They all want to make sure I'm okay."  I just want them to shut the hell up...  I'm not going to be okay.  I was brutally abused in every way imaginable for nearly a decade.  I think it's safe to say, my head is fucked for life.  Most days, I just want to be alone...

But then there is always J-E.  He's always there for me with open arms and a warm heart.  I think he's been through enough of his own bullshit in his own life to understand me.  Miraculously, he has enough patience to put up with me through all my shit.  I never believed I could find anybody like him, but I have.  =)

And yep, that's my pretty lame post after ages of not caring to have anything to say on here.  I've been too busy with work and matters of the heart to bother with keyboards and other junk.