I wish I could believe this was finally over after nearly 2 years of fighting for it, but I know that yesterday was just one more hurdle crossed. Yesterday, I had the horrifying experience of representing myself in court against my abusive ex-husband. I fought for it, and I got what I asked for :: a final ruling giving me full physical and legal custody of my daughter.
I win, you bastard.
Now, I'm left with 3 more fights. Visitation, contempt of court [over some serious b/s, and if he files, I'm not showing up for that ish] and a divorce that is still not finalized after he filed for it himself and continues to refuse to sign the papers after nearly two years. [At this point, I'm never signing those papers anyway, hah.]
But still, had a nice laugh at him in the courtroom multiple times. At one point even the bailiff began to laugh and had to cough to cover it up. =D J-E was called in to testify, and asshat was given the opportunity to cross-examine. asshat became so angry at J-E's cool courtroom behavior that he was practically climbing across the table about to jump across the room and fight him. One of J-E's answers was no, and asshat demanded, "YES!" and I swear at that point I thought he was going to start kirking out so hard. It was epic. And I have to add, I never in my wildest dreams expected to see, hear or speak seriously about an MMORPG in a flipping courtroom. HA HA HA =)
Saturday, August 30, 2014
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Hand-Painted Shoes
Spent all my free time off from work for the last month+ painting up some once-white Keds.
Originally thought of just doing the galaxy theme, but J-E said my idea wasn't creative enough, and suggested I use Pokemon. =D
I even finished off the galaxy background with a light coat of iridescent sparkles.
The grumpy Jigglypuff is an inside joke. =3
Originally thought of just doing the galaxy theme, but J-E said my idea wasn't creative enough, and suggested I use Pokemon. =D
I even finished off the galaxy background with a light coat of iridescent sparkles.
The grumpy Jigglypuff is an inside joke. =3
Sunday, August 10, 2014
Made my way to the Other Side
Laying in bed one quiet night about a week ago, I realized that something was missing from my conscious thoughts. I had forgotten. Finally. "I'm over it," I said to myself with a smile. I could hardly believe the time had finally come. For a second, I had actually forgotten a name. FINALLY. FINALLY!! After nearly 2 years, I've finally reached a point where my new/current life has replaced my bad memories. I highly doubt I'll ever see the day that I don't flinch like a head-shy dog, but a massive burden has finally lifted off my shoulders. I've taken charge of my own life, and I feel so empowered. I was even promoted at work thanks to my 'workoholism'. I've found that keeping myself too busy to think about anything besides the task at hand has proven to be the most effective way to heal. Initially, during the first year, suppressing everything was destroying me because it all resurfaced with such force. Somehow, though, with time, I've managed to re-program myself. Instead of allowing my past to immobilize me with fear, I've learned to use it to encourage and push myself to prove myself. And yet, not just that, but I've come to a point where I no longer carry my past as a reason to prove myself; these days, I simply do because I can.
A lot of people I've encountered since I moved "north" have told me things like, "You're an old soul," or "You have so much depth of soul behind your eyes," or "I can tell you have a massive heart," or "I don't know what it is about you, but I just have to know more." I just shrug and tell them I'm nothing special, just a runaway. I typically do not open up to people, and if I do, I'm very choosy. I don't really possess the ability to trust many people anymore. I essentially trust two people here, and only because I sense that we are kindred spirits. I will never trust again - even the few people I manage to trust, I do not fully trust - but that's okay. I feel like that was part of my lesson. Naivety always was my weakest point. Nothing good ever came of the stupid notion that humankind could actually harbor any true sense of goodness. We are all animals.
A lot of people I've encountered since I moved "north" have told me things like, "You're an old soul," or "You have so much depth of soul behind your eyes," or "I can tell you have a massive heart," or "I don't know what it is about you, but I just have to know more." I just shrug and tell them I'm nothing special, just a runaway. I typically do not open up to people, and if I do, I'm very choosy. I don't really possess the ability to trust many people anymore. I essentially trust two people here, and only because I sense that we are kindred spirits. I will never trust again - even the few people I manage to trust, I do not fully trust - but that's okay. I feel like that was part of my lesson. Naivety always was my weakest point. Nothing good ever came of the stupid notion that humankind could actually harbor any true sense of goodness. We are all animals.
Saturday, July 26, 2014
Fake it 'til you Make it
Got a great promotion at work. It's sad to see myself glorifying a meager raise, but I'm proud to see my hard work paying off at a job I've been working for less than 6 months. I came out on top of interviews against people who have been there four to ten times as long as myself. [Fake it 'til you make it, baby!] I'm going to lose my mind from the stress of my new position at work, but it's a highly sought-after position, and it has the potential of being a lot of fun. Not to mention, I'm stunned to find myself labeled a manager, of all things. =)
It pains me immensely to realize how much of my potential was quashed by a disgustingly toxic relationship. I could have been so much more by now! I'm a fighter, though, and these days I'm not hung up on making love so much as I am about making war. ^.^ I never saw myself as being career-oriented, but I'm fighting to make a better life for my daughter now, and if I push myself hard enough, I could more than double my income in another year and a half.
Otherwise, I just want to crawl into a hole and come out in a few decades when I'm old, cold, and grey. I'm really going to suck at my new position; I'm just good at faking it.
Only useful thing I ever learned from my past. ;)
It pains me immensely to realize how much of my potential was quashed by a disgustingly toxic relationship. I could have been so much more by now! I'm a fighter, though, and these days I'm not hung up on making love so much as I am about making war. ^.^ I never saw myself as being career-oriented, but I'm fighting to make a better life for my daughter now, and if I push myself hard enough, I could more than double my income in another year and a half.
Otherwise, I just want to crawl into a hole and come out in a few decades when I'm old, cold, and grey. I'm really going to suck at my new position; I'm just good at faking it.
Only useful thing I ever learned from my past. ;)
Monday, July 7, 2014
People who spend more money feeding their cats than they spend feeding their own family are stupid as shit.
"Hi, how are you?" is not appropriately responded to by saying, "Where is the _______?" IDGAF if you say your day has been shit, just show some common courtesy ffs. Take today for example. Sad, lonely lady responded by saying her day hadn't been going very well at all. We had a nice chat, and I hope she felt a little better after spending some time out of her house and around other people. I felt like exploding and crying and breaking things (and faces) for awhile today, and talking to her made me feel better, so I hope the same went for her......
"Hi, how are you?" is not appropriately responded to by saying, "Where is the _______?" IDGAF if you say your day has been shit, just show some common courtesy ffs. Take today for example. Sad, lonely lady responded by saying her day hadn't been going very well at all. We had a nice chat, and I hope she felt a little better after spending some time out of her house and around other people. I felt like exploding and crying and breaking things (and faces) for awhile today, and talking to her made me feel better, so I hope the same went for her......
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Breaking Point
The snow outside is falling so quietly, melting like tears as it hits the ground. It's going to take awhile, but the other 18 inches or so will melt in time, too. Everything builds up to be so beautiful, and then it all just melts away...
I have the strangest dreams... Last night, I dreamed that something was living in the vents. J-E wouldn't let me look at it, but he told me it wasn't so bad. "We already drank its blood, remember," he said. I felt sick to my stomach. What was it? I tried to peer into the vents for a look, but J-E held me back. I think I saw an eye looking back at me through the slits.
I feel so infected, like something is infesting my brain, taking over, and eating me alive. I just want to tear myself to pieces, searching for it, so I can get this sickness out of me. Every day, I find myself saying and doing things that I don't want to be saying or doing. It just comes right out of me on its own, and because of it, I'm essentially destroying my own life. I'm so angry that my anger has actually taken on a personality of its own. Sometimes I feel so schizophrenic.
A lot of people like to say that if you worry about being crazy, you're obviously not. The reasoning must be that you have enough sanity to fear that loss of control. They're wrong. There are plenty of people in this world who are positively insane and quite sure of it.
Sometimes I think I'm just lost in some sort of fantasy, caught up in my mind and lost in some sort of dream. I've spent my entire life trying to get away from this feeling, because it absolutely kills me, but I've never been able to find an effective method of staying centered without masochism.
That's why I feel like I'm losing it. I feel like half of me is subconsciously hell-bent on destroying my life, while the conscious part of me is left reeling without a clue as to how to stop everything from burning to the ground. Any normal person would be self-aware enough to stop themselves from acting like a complete fuck.
If nothing else, the catastrophic images in my head are driving me over the edge. I think I've reached my breaking point.
I have the strangest dreams... Last night, I dreamed that something was living in the vents. J-E wouldn't let me look at it, but he told me it wasn't so bad. "We already drank its blood, remember," he said. I felt sick to my stomach. What was it? I tried to peer into the vents for a look, but J-E held me back. I think I saw an eye looking back at me through the slits.
I feel so infected, like something is infesting my brain, taking over, and eating me alive. I just want to tear myself to pieces, searching for it, so I can get this sickness out of me. Every day, I find myself saying and doing things that I don't want to be saying or doing. It just comes right out of me on its own, and because of it, I'm essentially destroying my own life. I'm so angry that my anger has actually taken on a personality of its own. Sometimes I feel so schizophrenic.
A lot of people like to say that if you worry about being crazy, you're obviously not. The reasoning must be that you have enough sanity to fear that loss of control. They're wrong. There are plenty of people in this world who are positively insane and quite sure of it.
Sometimes I think I'm just lost in some sort of fantasy, caught up in my mind and lost in some sort of dream. I've spent my entire life trying to get away from this feeling, because it absolutely kills me, but I've never been able to find an effective method of staying centered without masochism.
That's why I feel like I'm losing it. I feel like half of me is subconsciously hell-bent on destroying my life, while the conscious part of me is left reeling without a clue as to how to stop everything from burning to the ground. Any normal person would be self-aware enough to stop themselves from acting like a complete fuck.
If nothing else, the catastrophic images in my head are driving me over the edge. I think I've reached my breaking point.
Thursday, February 6, 2014
What A Joke
My job is a total joke. I literally work with the skeeziest, most useless, most annoying, whiniest and most drug-addicted group of fucking idiots ever. Last night, none of the servers could handle taking a single fucking table. If you can't take 4 tables of 2-4 people each at one time, you are literally a waste of hot air. Every single time I sat someone, they complained that I was "over-seating" and begged for help. STFU... >.> It was Wednesday fucking night! It should NEVER be that hard on a Wednesday!! So after two hours of listening to nothing but whining and complaining, I told the other hostess I was working with that one of our servers was being a bitch and the other was being snarky whenever I sat her. Snarky-Face overheard me and was all like, "Waaaah, I'm not snarky, blah blah blah." =] Later, she told the other hostess that I should "be careful who I mess with." Bitch, I am not about to tangle with your stupid ass at work. Go the fuck on, and while you're out there, learn how to do your menial ass job.
I am sick and tired of doing everything for that restaurant and getting nothing in return. If they had bothered to give me a chance I could show them how a server should wait on tables. Hell, I could do their retarded ass serve pro job and sprinkle minced parsley on all the food, too, but instead of letting me do it when they were looking for someone to take that on full-time, they are letting some scruffy ass cook do the job. You know, another thing is, if they could hire some cooks who could actually cook a steak properly, they wouldn't have to have everyone leaving the kitchen for serve pro and dish shifts. How hard is it to cook a steak to the appropriate temperature? I haven't eaten a steak in nearly 15 years and I bet I could cook more steaks correctly than anyone working in that kitchen.
But all that's okay. I've been looking for a new job and as soon as I get hired I'm leaving that stupid fucking restaurant for good. And you know what? When I leave, that place will literally crumble. They will fall to pieces without me, and no, I am not being full of it. I do just about everything for that restaurant. The place has been open for less than 4 years, and after a year with 30+% growth, along with piss-poor management and a complete joke for staff, it is sinking fast. No joke. The GM is in the restaurant like twice a week, and they have been sending in rescue managers left and right. But nobody can get to the simple and obvious bottom of the issue. One, the managing partner is a total failure at managing anything. He doesn't know when to fire people, and he literally has no clue how to manage a restaurant. Two, the restaurant constantly hires drug addicts, never fires ANYONE, and fails to discipline tardiness or bad behavior. I'm sorry, but if you're late to every shift, you get fired, and if you dick around in the kitchen dumping water on or spraying whipped cream at each other, you get fired.
And three, Why The Fuck Are People Getting Away With Luring People In To Fight AT THE RESTAURANT That THEY Instigate??!!?? One of the girls I work with literally scraps with someone on the premises every other week. Just the other night, I watched her thumbs fly across her iPhone all night long until she was cut. Not five minutes after she clocked out, she comes running into the kitchen hyperventilating, tears streaming down her face, and blood and bruises all over her throat and hands, shoes destroyed and pants filthy. When I first saw her [I was the first to find her like that], I didn't know whether to laugh or ask her what had happened. It looked like she had been mugged. >.> I should have started off with a good laugh because the dumb bitch brought all of that on herself. What the fuck...
I was literally ->this<- close to quitting LAST NIGHT. I wanted to just say, You know what, I am sick of doing everything and then some for next to no pay. I am sick of you hiring new waitresses left and right when I am already here asking to do the job. I am sick of every server constantly complaining to me that they can't handle their own tables. I am sick of watching everyone get away with tardiness and deviant behavior. [People literally have SEX in the parking lot.] I am sick of every time I walk into dish, things are piled to the ceiling and the dish-bitch is whining and complaining to the manager instead of doing his damned job. I am sick of every customer complaining about how much their food and service sucks. It is embarrassing to work there!!
And today is my day off. Should be a good thing, but instead, I just have to spend all morning working on bullshit paperwork for court. The group who originally secured my temporary protective order wants to go for a permanent order. That would be all fine and good, but I just KNOW it is a complete waste of time. All it is going to be is a waste of $200 in gas, 20 hours in a car, and a complete embarrassment in the courtroom. I just want to give up, but nobody will let me. Nobody will leave me the fuck alone! And securing a lawyer for my court date up here is a complete fucking nightmare. I want to blow up the establishment that supposedly offers free legal services to impoverished families. I am so fed up with the program that I can't even summon the words to write about it right now. I am so fed up with the legal system in general. Probably another blog for another day, but seriously... It is so FRUSTRATING that the victims in this system are the ones put on trial, called liars and whores, and left to fend for themselves and fight for what little help may be out there for them. There is, no bullshit, a fire smoldering in my chest. My blood is boiling on a regular basis. If I don't kirk the fuck out on someone soon and start a motherfucking riot, I'll honestly be amazed at my self-control.
I am sick and tired of doing everything for that restaurant and getting nothing in return. If they had bothered to give me a chance I could show them how a server should wait on tables. Hell, I could do their retarded ass serve pro job and sprinkle minced parsley on all the food, too, but instead of letting me do it when they were looking for someone to take that on full-time, they are letting some scruffy ass cook do the job. You know, another thing is, if they could hire some cooks who could actually cook a steak properly, they wouldn't have to have everyone leaving the kitchen for serve pro and dish shifts. How hard is it to cook a steak to the appropriate temperature? I haven't eaten a steak in nearly 15 years and I bet I could cook more steaks correctly than anyone working in that kitchen.
But all that's okay. I've been looking for a new job and as soon as I get hired I'm leaving that stupid fucking restaurant for good. And you know what? When I leave, that place will literally crumble. They will fall to pieces without me, and no, I am not being full of it. I do just about everything for that restaurant. The place has been open for less than 4 years, and after a year with 30+% growth, along with piss-poor management and a complete joke for staff, it is sinking fast. No joke. The GM is in the restaurant like twice a week, and they have been sending in rescue managers left and right. But nobody can get to the simple and obvious bottom of the issue. One, the managing partner is a total failure at managing anything. He doesn't know when to fire people, and he literally has no clue how to manage a restaurant. Two, the restaurant constantly hires drug addicts, never fires ANYONE, and fails to discipline tardiness or bad behavior. I'm sorry, but if you're late to every shift, you get fired, and if you dick around in the kitchen dumping water on or spraying whipped cream at each other, you get fired.
And three, Why The Fuck Are People Getting Away With Luring People In To Fight AT THE RESTAURANT That THEY Instigate??!!?? One of the girls I work with literally scraps with someone on the premises every other week. Just the other night, I watched her thumbs fly across her iPhone all night long until she was cut. Not five minutes after she clocked out, she comes running into the kitchen hyperventilating, tears streaming down her face, and blood and bruises all over her throat and hands, shoes destroyed and pants filthy. When I first saw her [I was the first to find her like that], I didn't know whether to laugh or ask her what had happened. It looked like she had been mugged. >.> I should have started off with a good laugh because the dumb bitch brought all of that on herself. What the fuck...
I was literally ->this<- close to quitting LAST NIGHT. I wanted to just say, You know what, I am sick of doing everything and then some for next to no pay. I am sick of you hiring new waitresses left and right when I am already here asking to do the job. I am sick of every server constantly complaining to me that they can't handle their own tables. I am sick of watching everyone get away with tardiness and deviant behavior. [People literally have SEX in the parking lot.] I am sick of every time I walk into dish, things are piled to the ceiling and the dish-bitch is whining and complaining to the manager instead of doing his damned job. I am sick of every customer complaining about how much their food and service sucks. It is embarrassing to work there!!
And today is my day off. Should be a good thing, but instead, I just have to spend all morning working on bullshit paperwork for court. The group who originally secured my temporary protective order wants to go for a permanent order. That would be all fine and good, but I just KNOW it is a complete waste of time. All it is going to be is a waste of $200 in gas, 20 hours in a car, and a complete embarrassment in the courtroom. I just want to give up, but nobody will let me. Nobody will leave me the fuck alone! And securing a lawyer for my court date up here is a complete fucking nightmare. I want to blow up the establishment that supposedly offers free legal services to impoverished families. I am so fed up with the program that I can't even summon the words to write about it right now. I am so fed up with the legal system in general. Probably another blog for another day, but seriously... It is so FRUSTRATING that the victims in this system are the ones put on trial, called liars and whores, and left to fend for themselves and fight for what little help may be out there for them. There is, no bullshit, a fire smoldering in my chest. My blood is boiling on a regular basis. If I don't kirk the fuck out on someone soon and start a motherfucking riot, I'll honestly be amazed at my self-control.
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